Present Perfect

I have decided to learn German. Finding myself presently situated in Berlin, it would seem like a prudent idea to do so. Actually, my friends consider me to be pretty good with languages - truth be told. Why only this summer I ordered dinner for a party of eight in Italian at a restaurant in Rome and everybody got exactly what they ordered. Don’t laugh – this is a major accomplishment in Italy. My proficiency was duly remarked upon, and I responded that I was not really fluent in Italian, but rather spoke “restaurant” – a sprinkling of different languages that lends you an air of sophistication when dining out and prevents you from being served something odious - unless you ordered it. In my case, I think my particular skill was due to my obsession with food rather than any aptitude for Italian.

However, I must remark that ordering a meal in a language which you didn’t grow up speaking presents several challenges, for you must make yourself understood without employing those embarrassing gesticulations which encourage the locals to think that you are in some way mentally incapacitated, or worse, a tourist. (I am speaking here of obstacles encountered by non-native speakers of any particular language: If you cannot order a meal nicely in your mother tongue, stay home.)

For example, say you find yourself in a civilized restaurant and you see something that you absolutely must try. To point at the menu and blurt out “I want that” would be rude. Rather, you should consider such an occasion the perfect opportunity to employ your nuanced understanding of the conditional tense, like so:

I would very much like to order the fricassee of infant.

Doesn’t that sound better? Now, if you were unclear or imprecise in your speech, you may not receive what you ordered. When confronted with this unfortunate situation, it is useful to know the past perfect – as well as the imperative:

Excuse me, but I believe there has been a mistake. I ordered the fricassee of infant, but this is clearly an adolescent stew. Please bring me what I ordered.

If you still have not received what you have ordered, or they tell you they are out of that particular dish – in this case fricassee of infant - it would be wise to familiarize yourself with both the past conditional and the future perfect:

I would have liked to have ordered the fricassee of infant, but it appears you are all out of it. In that case, I will have the barbequed toddler surprise…with a nice glass of Chianti.

If you apply these few simple suggestions to the language of your choice, you will soon find yourself possessing all the skills you need to eat well in any country. As your comfort grows, so will your confidence, and you will soon find yourself engaging in scintillating conversation with vital people the world over. At the very least, your waiter will be grateful for your efforts.

At this point it must be said that one of the frustrating things about studying languages is learning grammar. This is especially true these days as we live in an age where grammar of any sort is no longer taught in school. The time which was once spent on teaching children to spell properly and compose sentences is now used to teach them “creative writing”. I believe the results speak for themselves. In any event, many of the terms I have used may be unfamiliar to you. For this reason I am including a lexicon of grammatical terms of my own design for your reference.

Present tense: Current state of anxiety

Past tense: Before yoga and therapy.

Conditional tense: Tension which is dependant on proximity to one’s mother

Future tense: This is conditional

Future perfect: Hindered by an excess of the present tense.

Past perfect: This does not exist. It never did. Get over it.

Simple past: Wasn’t it though?

Simple perfect: Yes it is.

Now what does any of this have to do with learning German? I don’t know. I just started talking about languages, and now I find myself completely off topic – a complaint which has been made about my “creative writing” since I was in Grade 2. I remember my report card quite clearly: “Ben has a very active imagination, but his work is rather nebulous. For example, he wrote a composition about space which lacked clarity and detail”. I was – even then – quite offended. Of course I wrote a non-specific composition about space because space by its very nature lacks clarity and detail. That is why it is called space.

Another time I thought it might be fun to write a series of public service announcements from farm animals asking readers not to kill them. The other kids thought I was weird. I was. One day I taped the name tag from the Wandering Jew plant to my shirt and spent the morning walking around the school asking the teachers where I should go. I was seven. When the other children called me a nerd, I just told them they were being anally retentive. I didn’t know what it meant, but that’s what my mom said about people she didn’t like. I got to go to the guidance counselor for that one.

My finest moment was in Grade 5 when I dressed up in drag for Halloween. I wore white high heeled shoes and a lovely hat, but my feet were killing me. Seeing that I was in pain, one of my friends asked me if I was okay. My reply: “You have to suffer to be beautiful”.

This adage, by the way, does not only apply to shoes, although pretty shoes do hurt more. It has to do with having the courage of your convictions come what may. And so I guess this is all about learning German after all, or learning anything for that matter.…the present perfect comes to mind.