State Visit

When I was young, I remember watching a documentary about the Queen preparing for the state visit of Lech Walesa. I was fascinated by the months of preparation, the attention to detail…the costumes. I never thought that I would be preparing for a state visit myself, but I got word a couple of months ago that my father has decided to come and see me in Berlin, and while the visit of one’s parents cannot really be compared to an official diplomatic exchange between countries (or can it?), you should know that my father is a dialysis patient. What's more, the last time he was in this part of the world he was a 10 year old refugee from Communist Poland who wore steel toed-boots so he could injure the children who called him names. Needless to say I have been trying to find ways to make this visit easier, not only for my father’s comfort, but for the safety of the local populace. I have reserved a car – a Passat. I have secured an apartment on a ground floor with fluffy towels and a muted color palette….I have stocked up on tranquilizers. But it is hard to know what to prepare for and what to leave in the hands of fate. I worry that things will not be to my father’s liking – that he will not have a good time. After all, Berlin is going to be a tough sell, and so anything I can to leaven the lump I will gladly do. Of course, if this really were a state visit, I would have teams of officials at my disposal and the full resources of a nation state to procure the best of the best of everything. As it stands I have a dictionary, lots of free time and willpower. But I have learned that armed with these three things, you can pretty much get anything.

…except a temporary handicapped parking permit in Germany.

I don’t even know how the subject came up. I think I found a special website designed for travelers with disabilities that said that you could simply go to the ministry of transportation (Bundesministerium für Verkehr, Bau und Stadtentwicklung Referat Bürgerservice, Besucherdienst) and make a request. It seemed easy enough to me, and I knew that being able to park in handicapped spots would make things a lot easier, so I got dad to send me his medical information, and off I went.

The ministry of transportation is not open to the public. This is well known. You can, however, leave a written message – on very nice stationary, I might add. I did the best I could with my dictionary and my determination, and came up with something like this: “Dad visits Berlin from Canada. No movement ….. possible parking spaces for broken people? I remain your most faithful servant…” Well, I got the point across, and I knew how to close a letter properly because the first thing I do when learning a new language is to study the correct forms of salutation and address, for I have found that you can say almost anything if you do it politely.

I had expected to get a response in a couple of days, but when I received an email within 24 hours I took it to be a positive sign:

Most distinguished sir. Thank you so much for your petition which you kindly deposited at our ministry yesterday. In reference to your question regarding parking spaces for disabled persons who are temporary visitors to Germany, but who are not members of the European Union I can offer the following answer. It would be unconstitutional to refuse such a permit to anyone, as this would be in contradiction of the German Basic Law of 1949 which prohibits discrimination to anyone on the basis of physical ability. That being said, we do not handle such requests at our ministry, nor am I at liberty to divulge contact information for the appropriate government department, as this is not part of my job description. I would recommend that you go to the city hall in your district for further instruction. With friendly greetings...

Okay – fair enough…. Off to city hall.

Yes – welcome to citizen’s services. Do you wish to make a complaint? Ah – handicapped parking. Well, actually we do not take care of that here, for this you must go to the Strassenverkehrbehörde. But the Ministry of Transport told you to come here? Why would they do that? Everyone knows that the In Deutschland entscheiden über Gewährung von Parkerleichterungen für behinderte Menschen (Ausnahmegenehmigung), die Bürger von Nicht-EU-Staaten sind, die Straßenverkehrsbehörden der deutschen Bundesländer.

Of course they do, how silly of me. In my confusion, I called Arvedt, who finds great solace in the efficiency and logic of German bureaucracy, himself being a German bureaucrat. I mean, if he didn’t believe in the system then who would? And what would that mean for the future of Germany? Can you feel the angst? (Last summer Arvedt was very tense because a train was 3 minutes late – this was the 4^th time in the last 2 weeks that he had experienced such ineptitude and he was genuinely concerned that this marked an unacceptable decline in the level of services of the Deutsche Bahn, and that he would most certainly be writing a letter… I told him that I thought that the trains in Germany could stand to be a little less punctual if only to differentiate them from the trains of the past. He failed to comprehend my meaning and asked me to explain myself. I didn’t want to get into it, and this made him even more upset because not only was I failing to make myself clear, I was avoiding a subject – and in Germany these two things are cardinal sins, unless you are talking about the war of course, which I was doing, if only euphemistically, so maybe I was off the hook? Fortunately the train arrived right at that moment so all was forgotten and Arvedt began to look up and down the length the compartment for an official complaint form so he could make his displeasure known. I went to the restaurant car and got a beer.)

Arvedt listened to my tale like a priest hearing confession. He was patient and kind and made some suggestions, but he never for a moment doubted the absolute rightness of the system…..

You know Ben, I am really quite proud of you for going about this in the proper way. I think that you will learn a lot about Germany. I would recommend that you call the Strassenverkehrbehörde between 11 o’clock and not later than quarter after one, and you should have a certified translation of your fathers Besicherungsausweis – this means official certificate of disabled status. And you should make sure that it is stamped, because in Germany everything must have a stamp.

Like the scarlet letter? Like a yellow star? What’s the deal with the stamp? Well, here goes…..

Strassenverkehrbehörde – Schröder speaking. You want a temporary handicapped parking permit for a tourist? This is of course possible but you would need a certificate of handicapped status from your home country that would have to be translated into German…yes….of course it has to be stamped. The stamp is extremely important. Why would we accept anything without a stamp? Now, does your father have a dog assistant…I mean to say, some sort of house animal that helps him with regards to the seeing? Because if he did, then you would need a special permit for this too and it would have to be stamped. The permit would have to be stamped, not the dog. Why would you stamp a dog?

Good question

I knew full well that my father did not have a handicapped sticker, nor did he possess any sort of official proof that he is disabled. I knew for a fact that my father would rather be dead than yield one inch of freedom to his illness, and it is this tenacity which has kept him with us. But the truth is, he can’t really walk. I wondered if I could send a video of my father buying groceries that could be used in lieu of said certificate. If they could see him in his military parka trying to push a shopping cart through the snow at the Superstore in Winnipeg, they would most certainly issue some kind of documentation, or maybe a purple heart. But what is the correct procedure for stamping a video? I am sure there is some sort of government office for that, too…..

• Videoabnahmestempelbehörde? (Video stamp office)

• Filmbezeichnungechtheitsprüfungamt für Schwerbehindertenausweis Ausgabe? (Film-stamp authentication bureau for the purposes of the designation of a handicapped certificate issuance)

• Sekreteriat – Anwendungsentwicklung des Bilddokumentation Bestimmung Befristetbehindeterzustandparkerleichterungen Deutschlands? (Secretariat for the application management of visual documentation for the determination of temporary disabled status parking spaces in Germany)

I think I will go call Arvedt. I am not giving up on this one.