“Wie, bitte?”

I think it was Mark Twain who said that life is just too short to learn German. My internet connection is down so I just can’t be sure, but he seemed to have a lot to say about the German language – none of it positive. As for myself, I have nothing in particular against German, except for the fact that upon hearing it I can’t help but be reminded of the annihilation of my family. But let’s not dwell on trivial matters. After all, German is a perfectly serviceable language….good for commands and such, and I have been happy absorb it in my own way for months now, using the time-honored tradition of immigrants everywhere: television. I have also been learning a lot of German by arguing with government officials, cab drivers and sales people. Everyone comments on how “good” my German is, not because I can speak the language particularly well, but because I am a very good mimic. But you’ve heard all this before…

Unfortunately, there is only so far you can go with a charming demeanor and the native cadence. Sooner or later, the movers and shakers will find out that I learned German on the streets (and not very nice ones at that), and I am loath to see the doors of opportunity closing in my face. No, it was definitely time to enroll in another German course.

But where?

Well, there’s the Goethe Institute, but they’re ruinously expensive, as are individual tutors of any quality. Private schools which cater to diplomatic wives and aimless Americans are also quite dear. I have been a diplomatic wife, and have already met quite enough aimless Americans to last a lifetime. (Where are you from? Portland. What do you do? I’m a gallery assistant…and a performance artist…I have a band…). There’s the public language school, but they require all sorts of documentation which I don’t have, and which I don’t want to go through the bother of getting…although maybe I would learn a lot of German in the process…

There remained only one option: The Jewish Community Centre. I know it seems ridiculous, learning German under the auspices of the Jewish Community, but there was no entrance exam, no documentation required, and two months of daily instruction for only 80 Euro. Talk about wholesale! Who knows, maybe I would even meet a nice doctor out of the whole thing…. (A charming story, really…Shimon and I connected in Berlin…at German school of all places! I knew we were beshert as soon as I heard him conjugate reflexive verbs in his intoxicating Israeli accent. We live in Switzerland now.)

So my friend and I enrolled. As usual, I charmed the pants off of the intake officer. As usual, I was placed in a level which far exceeded my skills, so now I am faced with homework which I have no idea how to begin:

“Exercise 1a: Case. Choose the appropriate case for the following examples and explain your choices in detail. Please use the following: Nominative Case, Accusative Case, Dative Case, Genitive Case….”

(Basket Case

Mental Case

A Case of You…)

Okay….make herbal tea, do calming breath exercise… here goes:

1) The thick white girl gives the jocund blue ball to the squat purple antelope. The squat purple antelope belongs to the tolerant flailing zebra, which enjoys playing handball with the amicable green giraffe.

What is this, German on acid? I am beginning to think Mark Twain was right.

…I wonder what’s on TV…