Prenzlauer Berg, Friday, 4:15 PM

Oh GOD! You poor thing! Didn’t you know that to survive a Berlin winter you need either a sun lamp or good medication? I use both. Why? Well first of all, Berlin lies in the north, which means there are only about 4 hours of good sunlight at the best of times. Secondly, we are situated in the extreme eastern part of the time zone, so we get about an hour less sunlight than say, Frankfurt. I mean, if you go clubbing on a Saturday, and sleep in on Sunday, there is the distinct possibility you may never see the light!

Oh Darling, don’t worry about it. Pretty soon this city will come alive and it will be asparagus season! Big fat white asparagus, thick as your arm - drenched in butter…just melts in your mouth, really. Don’t give me that face….you and your dirty mind! Oh and the chanterelle mushrooms! I go to the market at Winterfeldplatz on a Saturday and stock up, then straight home to toss them in a pan of golden, foaming butter. Fantastic. If you are feeling particularly indulgent, you can top the whole thing with white truffle oil. And dear, the rents are

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so cheap in this city you really can afford such a luxury from time to time. You really MUST come by for dinner with Lutz and me some time…there is nothing I can’t do in the kitchen! Oh, cheer up- save the weltschmerzen for the vicars, as Prince Phillip used to say... I mean, in less than a month you will be able to visit the flower sellers on the Pestalozzistrasse - with their effulgent bunches of parrot tulips wrapped in pale, pale tissue. And there will be parties by the Spree, and foaming beer to moisten those sad, parched lips of yours. If you just wait a couple of weeks….

I know Berlin can be grey. Grey streets, grey skies, even grey people in the old Communist East. But I assure you, once the sun comes out, everything changes and you can then tell everyone you know you survived a Berlin winter. Really, it’s the closest you can get to a purple heart without inflicting wounds! Shall I design you a badge? What! I’m serious!

Now, don’t you just feel that much better? So, come along with me and we’ll have a mug of hot glűhwein at the bar down the road. And then off to bed, because Saturday night we’re all going dancing until dawn and I will be EXTREMELY disappointed if you don’t come.

You know, you look so much better when you smile. And I love your outfit, very smart.

And your sunglasses! Perfect. You know, I always say that in order to buy the right sunglasses, you really have to know who you are. To your own eyewear be true!

So shall we say tomorrow around eleven? The boys are coming round my place to sing karaoke to old Eurovision songs and then it’s off to the Irrenhaus club for a weekend immersion in sin!

In a word, bliss!