Rant

Sometimes I just don't get Vancouver. In fact, I wonder if Vancouver had anything to get in the first place. I mean, take away the mountains and the oceans you are pretty much left with Edmonton. Except we have attitude and statues of orcas. I was talking to my friend the other day, and he whispered excitedly that Vancouver is becoming an "international city". Whatever that means. All cities are international. Nations barely exist anyway.... they have been replaced by corporations. But, if living in an "international city" means that you have to wait a half an hour for the bus, or if it means that there are more homeless people, then Vancouver is definitely on its way.

I can't blame my friend for being excited. He is from Vancouver, and I am not. When he was growing up, Vancouver was pretty much a Britsh colony. Goodness knows it is better now, but this city is full of small minded repressed petty people. They cry over the felling of a tree in Stanley Park and then walk over the man sleeping in the bus shelter at the bus loop. It is full of snotnosedhalfcafskimextrahotsugarfree latte drinking vapid barbies who strut around in the rain and worry about nothing more than wondering if their cardio-striptease class will interfere with brunch (poachedeggonbrowntoastnobutterfruitontheside...ohmigoddidyousaythatyoudopoledancing? yeah,umwaiteress,i orderednohashbrowns...doesitLOOOKlikeIeatcarbs?) with the "girls".

All you have to do is look in one of the many free daily "newspapers" and see the "night out" section to realize that the entire movie industry, when combined, has the intellectual capacity of a piece of seared ahi tuna (which is oh-so-ubiquitous in this town. Take a slab of meat, grill it, put it on a square plate, give it to an anorexic high school student, and serve it forth in a room where you can't hear yourself think. That is not dinner. It is the putrid remains of marketing campaigns and "image".)

There they are, rows and rows of people with identical photo shopped smiles out for a night on the town- hair perfect, tits out, (and the men have them too... either implants, or FAR too many hours in the gym. Have you ever noticed that people in Europe don't go to the gym? That's because when you, prototypical Vancouverite, are doing squats, they are eating good food and drinking wine and living their life. They eat their perfect morsel of cheese, and then they walk to work. In great shoes. So take that you idiot miniranchricecakedietpepsi-for-lunch Vancouver morons). And you look at them and think " I hope that your next botox treatment kills you. I hope that the botox enters your pharynx and renders you mute so you won't talk on your cell phone when I am waiting in line at Shoppers. You know, just once I want to pick up the paper and read about people with bad attitudes who don't give a shit about the environment and smoke, and drink and don't wear yoga pants. I want to read about people who swear and cry and laugh and enjoy life and don't count calories. I want to see people whistling when they walk down the street. I want to see people getting into passionate arguments about stupid things. But the time for this is past. Now we are online. Now we are hooked-up and plugged in. And boring as hell.

And

And you can't get a cab in this city because they are having delays. You see, there are a higher number of requests for cabs because it is RAINING. Of course if is raining. IT’S VANCOUVER. I called for a cab the other day, and I was told that calling for a cab is not a guarantee that I would get one, even if I called ahead. And the only reason I called a cab was because I was sick of watching busses pass me by because they were full.

And it is like that here; because Vancouver is largely populated by aging moneyed white people who still think of this city is their own private playground with pretty trees and immigrants on the periphery. They want to maintain something quaint and charming and I can't fuck stand it. Get it together Vancouver. I have learned by now that you have no soul, but at least get some more busses for those of us who are not offshore investors buying up all the condos downtown, driving lexuses and forcing ordinary people to move out of downtown.


Postscript:

It has rained so much that we can't drink the water without boiling it. This means that all the Starbucks are not serving coffee. Which means that any moment, Vancouver will cease to function? What will people do without their lattes to hold on to as they walk down the street? Maybe they will reach out and lend a hand. I doubt it.