Staatsoper, Unter Den Linden, Friday 8:45 PM

How amazing is this! Here we are at the Berlin State Opera, watching the Marriage of Figaro for less than it costs to see a movie at Silver City. Who cares if I don’t have a job? Who needs a nice apartment when you can go to the opera and forget about it all? That’s why they invented opera, you know, to forget… But perhaps also to remember… (oh so poetic am I, la la la). But seriously, haven’t you ever wondered if truth is on the stage and our daily lives are just… imagined? No, I didn’t think of it, John Lennon did. I don’t get John Lennon at all? I never claimed to! Imagine all the people! Shit…it’s a recipe for agoraphobia

Oh – the people watching at the Staatsoper is so much better here than at the Deutsche Oper. Why? The Deutsche Oper is in West Berlin. All the hipsters live here in the East and would never dream about going “over there”; it just isn’t done. This city has never been more divided, wall or no. Besides, the only people I know who live in West Berlin are opera singers, and we’re so boring! We want to be close to the gym… grocery store….dry cleaning! SNORE. Who else but an opera singer goes HOME in Berlin before 11?

Oooh…there’s a man in a leather tuxedo. There’s a woman in a leather tuxedo.

They have identical fur coats, and perhaps the same plastic surgeon?

I’m dying for a pretzel. Want one? I can’t get over the sight of these women in their finery, eating pretzels at the opera…just too much! Sort of reminds me of an opening night party in Vancouver: they forgot to order food, so at the last minute they delivered fifty pizzas, and there was this grand old dowager in a ball gown nibbling on a slice of meat lover’s. Talk about stoic! But pretzels are part of the culture here, whereas Domino’s is…

Speaking of Vancouver, the Olympics begin tomorrow. No doubt the opening ceremonies will feature some sort of performance which fuses yoga, Chinese acrobatics and Aboriginal dance into an insipid, PC mess…sponsored by Starbucks! And did you know the security bill for the games is expected to top 1 billion dollars? Not because they’re worried about Al Qaeda: they’re scared of the hippies and naked bike protesters. What can you say about a city which spends so much money to protect itself from its own citizens? Revolution! Now there’s an amateur sport I’d watch on TV.

What’s that? Of course I’ll get up to watch the ceremonies. I absolutely love the Olympics: now that there are no absolute monarchies left, it really is the only venue for quality pageantry. Speaking of which, I just bought an audio version of the Queen’s Coronation on ITunes. Sensational….like sports commentary for homosexuals:

“The baron of the Cinque Ports, in his gown of crimson velvet processes through the nave! The Lords of the Black Rod, the Purple Rod and the Blue Rod in their mantles and coronets crane their necks in anticipation as THE QUEEN appears, resplendent in the glittering Imperial State Crown, having been anointed with the sacred spoon. All do homage. What colour! What ceremony! What a day!”

“She shoots! She scores! God save the Queen”

And here I am talking about myself.

What did you do this afternoon? Went to the Jewish Museum? Sort of felt like Jewish Disneyworld? Of course I’m not offended. I stopped being offended a long time ago. Now I just carry mace. You thought the interactive displays were kind of weird? Yeah, me too: “To hear about a gas chamber, press 1. To feel a yellow star, wait for the tone”. Didn’t it sort of remind you of “Touch the Universe” in Winnipeg?

…Touch the Jewniverce!

I love it. Sometimes I wish that instead of a Jewish Museum there were actual Jews. Well, there are Jews in Berlin, but they’re just mostly expats like me, although technically I’m neither an expat nor a foreigner. Discuss.

But I told you I take a German course at the Jewish Community Centre, right? Kind of bizarre…today we talked about the liberation of Auschwitz. Yeah – learning German through discussing the Holocaust? Can you say FUCKED UP? I almost lost it when our teacher, Axel, wrote “Final Solution to the Jewish Question” in German on the chalk board. But we all wrote it down, dutifully, in our notebooks.

What’s that about?

I just don’t know about Axel. He’s so German I call him Triple Axel….figure skating, darling…FIGURE SKATING. Are you sure you’re gay? Yesterday I was in the washroom and there were 2 other guys beside me at the urinals. Axel swept in and exclaimed “was fűr ein schönes Bild” – what a lovely picture. Very Ernst Röhm… I would be offended, but Axel is sort of cute, in that ruggedly handsome, inwardly psychotic, goyische drill sergeant kind of way.

Oh, what of it? We all love our oppressors: “Like a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.” Of course that’s biblical…it’s from Proverbs, which I love…so dishy.

Each verse is a tweet from God.

Well, I think that’s our cure to return to our seats. Anyone who said Wagner was long has never been to one of these Mozart operas… 4 hours! Nothing in this world should last 4 hours…except maybe a flight in first class, or opening ceremonies…or a coronation!

See you here after the show? You know, I would absolutely love to go out for a drink, but I have to be home by 11. I have a lesson tomorrow…and then I have to go grocery shopping and pick up my dry cleaning. Why don’t you come by for herbal tea?

What’s my address?

West Berlin….