A Rosenkavalier by any other name.....

"All art is at once surface and symbol. Those who go beneath the surface do so at their peril. Those who read the symbol do so at their peril."

-Oscar Wilde, Preface to Dorian Gray

In the opera world of late, there have been numerous attempts to update classic works to make them more "relevant". There are those who think it is a good idea to "interpret" works of art that are already complete in themselves and which come with prescribed instructions about how they should be performed. I often wonder at which point, in our attempts to make opera more accessible we forget the original intentions of the composer and librettist.... However, if respecting these intentions means that opera as an art form will die out, shouldn't we be compelled to shake things up?

Is there a way to look forward while respecting tradition?

I don't know. But at the rate things are going, you might very well see the following creations at a theatre near you:


I, DOMINATRIX

Mozart's classic opera Idomeneo is updated for our licentious age. Follow the story of Idominatrix, "Mistress of Crete" as she makes a fatal deal with her pimp, Neptune. All will suffer, but this doesn't faze our heroine. She likes it.

COSI FAN BOOTAY

Another re-interpretation of a classic, if dated Mozart Work. Cosi Fan Tutte is now set in Harlem. The set will utilize authentic graffiti art and sections of an abandoned subway station. The text has been translated from the original Italian into ebonics... to make it more accessible. There will still be surtitles.

LA CLEMENZA DI JOSEF BROZ TITO

Ancient Rome becomes 1970's Zagreb in this heart-warming tale of forgiveness.
"Decadent and bourgeois, but slightly more acceptable than the original". - Pravda

THE AILS OF HOFFMAN
Listen to the story of Mr. Hoffman, a patient at Mount Sinai hospital, as he talks about his various medical conditions. "Touching...prodding even. A veritable prostate exam of art. Who knew?" - Canadian Jewish News.

MANON LETS GO

This timeless classic takes place in Kitsilano, where our eponymous heroine has opened a yoga studio. Featuring the heart-rending aria "Adieu, notre petite tabla". "Soothing" - Canadian Yoga Journal

DIE HALFWAYHOUSE

Johann Strauss' operetta as you have never seen before. Fin-de-siecle Vienna becomes Vancouver's Lower East Side.

TOSK'WA

Puccini's jealous heroine reappears on Haida Gwaii.

DIE DAL-PURI

Siegmund and Sieglinde find themselves in Little India.

DIE MASTURBATERS VON NURNBERG

- Starring EVERYONE (even those who deny it).

Vin Jaune

It is said that the ingredients of an authentic peasant dish will be prohibitively expensive outside their country of origin. I told this to Phillipe the other day over coffee, as he was describing the food of the Jura region in his native France. One of the dishes he liked to prepare was Coq au Vin Jaune aux morilles. Now, in order to make this you need an organic grain fed chicken. In France, these are pretty easy to come by, and are so revered that they have special tricolour cockades attached to their still-intact claws to show their provenance and eclat. They kind of look like skinned sans-coulottes.

You also need morel mushrooms- morilles - which are the most expensive kind of mushroom. At Urban Fair (or as I like to call it Urban Unfair) dried morels go for 50 dollars per 100 grams. This greatly upset Phillipe - he could understand paying 1000 dollars a month for an apartment in a city that wasn't even Paris, but that much for morels was criminal. You see, where Phillipe comes from you can just walk out your back door and pick them for free. I suggested substituting another kind mushroom, but he would not hear of it - "the morel mushroom has tiny pockets that soak up the sauce in a very unique way" he explained , as if I were some sort of stone-age creature who dines on raw mammoth. We bought the morels.

Coq au Vin Jaune would not be Coq au Vin Jaune without Vin Jaune. And what is Vin Jaune?
Yellow wine. Duh. That is what I said. But Phillipe said that the taste of Vin Jaune was absolutely distinct - like lifting up a rock and licking moss. He picked up a stone and told me to smell it. I just laughed. But he was serious, so I smelled it. The rock smelled like a rock, and spearmint (there was some gum stuck to the rock). Apparently, Vin Jaune is fermented in the same way as sherry. It comes from a temperamental grape that must be handled gently. So I guess you could say that if I were a drink I would be Vin Jaune.....

Unfortunately, we were unable to find Vin Jaune, as apparently people here do not appreciate its earthy flavour. We made do with Chablis, but Phillipe insisted it was not the same.

It never is.

Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?

Happy New Year.

I don't particularly like the phrase, to tell you the truth. If the new year was meant to be happy, why would it begin with the futile downward spiral that is January?

And as for New Year's resolutions. Well, I don't believe in them.
I came to this conclusion after spending a few days reading Proverbs while doing cardio and eating celery sticks. "Why am I doing this to myself?" I thought. "What exactly am I trying to improve in myself?" I was lifting weights, but what for? My clothes don't fit anyway due to my abnormally developed sternum. If I work out, I'll have to buy new ones, and I can't afford them (because it is January). Besides, no matter how much I exercise, I will never be lithe nor limber. I will never have a torso long and lean like the Baja peninsula. I am destined to face the brutal winds of time like a monolithic, mesomorphic plinth. I am not willowy, nor wispy. My build suggests one who was made to walk against the current head on... not smile, sylph-like, while being carried with it. I do not consider the lillies of the field who neither toil nor spin. Clumsily, I mow them down. And move on.

This is what I was thinking when I was on the treadmill. And after I left the gym, I went and bought myself some blue cheese and went down by the ocean and gazed at the water and thought, maybe I do have a resolution. And it is this: I resolve not to resolve. I will be a series of contradictions all my life, and there is nothing I can do to escape from the body or the mind that I have been given. Pope John XXIII, who was not willowy either, said: "See everything, overlook a great deal, correct a little". I like that.

And so I give thanks for the things that I have, and I give more thanks for the times I am free from wanting more than I have. And I give thanks for breath, and for bread and butter.

I give thanks for every second that I am alive.

Happy New Year.

Dietary Requirements

Since my last rant, I have been verbally attacked by more than a few latte-drinking lululemon-wearing fake-blondes. It seems that Vancouverites, when attacked, become very passionate about defending their city. In a sense, I am relieved. Any opportunity to see a Vancouverite express a genuine emotion is cause for celebration in my books. Everybody who doesn't live here thinks that I am crazy for criticizing Vancouver because apparently it is such a wonderful place to live. Well, I guess they are right to some extent. I am sure that even the inhabitants of Mount Olympus got bees in their bonnets (or crowns of olive leaf) from time to time... Maybe Zeus was crimping their style. Deities can do that in the most ingenious ways, I have found.

Which brings me to the subjects of religion. The other day, I was having coffee with my friend Angus, and I was spouting off as I normally do. He told me my opinions had a lot in common with Nietzsche, which surprised me because I have never read any of his works. The only thing I know about him is that he said "God is dead", which makes perfect sense. Of course God is dead. God was never alive. Unless you are a Christian. For them, God is merely hibernating. We are, apparently, in the midst of a bleak midwinter. Duh.

And speaking of Christianity ('tis the season), I was talking with my roommate Mike and my friend Pablo after consuming a bottle of port. Both of them are lapsed Catholics. Have you ever noticed how nobody will admit to being a Catholic? Would you? Half the people I know, when asked about their religious persuasion say that they were "born Catholic". In fact, I think I only know one person who still admits to practicing Catholicism. Brave soul. Anyway, we were talking about transubstantiation, which is the belief that the bread and wine in communion become the blood and body of Christ. So, naturally, I wondered aloud why Catholics want to eat God. Is cannibalism a sacrament? Are Catholics anemic? Maybe the early Catholics had a low-protein diet and an active imagination. Nevertheless, I was confused. I mean, if you eat God, but God is dead, does that make you a pervert or just a potential victim of food poisoning?

There are just so many unanswered questions!

Rant

Sometimes I just don't get Vancouver. In fact, I wonder if Vancouver had anything to get in the first place. I mean, take away the mountains and the oceans you are pretty much left with Edmonton. Except we have attitude and statues of orcas. I was talking to my friend the other day, and he whispered excitedly that Vancouver is becoming an "international city". Whatever that means. All cities are international. Nations barely exist anyway.... they have been replaced by corporations. But, if living in an "international city" means that you have to wait a half an hour for the bus, or if it means that there are more homeless people, then Vancouver is definitely on its way.

I can't blame my friend for being excited. He is from Vancouver, and I am not. When he was growing up, Vancouver was pretty much a Britsh colony. Goodness knows it is better now, but this city is full of small minded repressed petty people. They cry over the felling of a tree in Stanley Park and then walk over the man sleeping in the bus shelter at the bus loop. It is full of snotnosedhalfcafskimextrahotsugarfree latte drinking vapid barbies who strut around in the rain and worry about nothing more than wondering if their cardio-striptease class will interfere with brunch (poachedeggonbrowntoastnobutterfruitontheside...ohmigoddidyousaythatyoudopoledancing? yeah,umwaiteress,i orderednohashbrowns...doesitLOOOKlikeIeatcarbs?) with the "girls".

All you have to do is look in one of the many free daily "newspapers" and see the "night out" section to realize that the entire movie industry, when combined, has the intellectual capacity of a piece of seared ahi tuna (which is oh-so-ubiquitous in this town. Take a slab of meat, grill it, put it on a square plate, give it to an anorexic high school student, and serve it forth in a room where you can't hear yourself think. That is not dinner. It is the putrid remains of marketing campaigns and "image".)

There they are, rows and rows of people with identical photo shopped smiles out for a night on the town- hair perfect, tits out, (and the men have them too... either implants, or FAR too many hours in the gym. Have you ever noticed that people in Europe don't go to the gym? That's because when you, prototypical Vancouverite, are doing squats, they are eating good food and drinking wine and living their life. They eat their perfect morsel of cheese, and then they walk to work. In great shoes. So take that you idiot miniranchricecakedietpepsi-for-lunch Vancouver morons). And you look at them and think " I hope that your next botox treatment kills you. I hope that the botox enters your pharynx and renders you mute so you won't talk on your cell phone when I am waiting in line at Shoppers. You know, just once I want to pick up the paper and read about people with bad attitudes who don't give a shit about the environment and smoke, and drink and don't wear yoga pants. I want to read about people who swear and cry and laugh and enjoy life and don't count calories. I want to see people whistling when they walk down the street. I want to see people getting into passionate arguments about stupid things. But the time for this is past. Now we are online. Now we are hooked-up and plugged in. And boring as hell.

And

And you can't get a cab in this city because they are having delays. You see, there are a higher number of requests for cabs because it is RAINING. Of course if is raining. IT’S VANCOUVER. I called for a cab the other day, and I was told that calling for a cab is not a guarantee that I would get one, even if I called ahead. And the only reason I called a cab was because I was sick of watching busses pass me by because they were full.

And it is like that here; because Vancouver is largely populated by aging moneyed white people who still think of this city is their own private playground with pretty trees and immigrants on the periphery. They want to maintain something quaint and charming and I can't fuck stand it. Get it together Vancouver. I have learned by now that you have no soul, but at least get some more busses for those of us who are not offshore investors buying up all the condos downtown, driving lexuses and forcing ordinary people to move out of downtown.


Postscript:

It has rained so much that we can't drink the water without boiling it. This means that all the Starbucks are not serving coffee. Which means that any moment, Vancouver will cease to function? What will people do without their lattes to hold on to as they walk down the street? Maybe they will reach out and lend a hand. I doubt it.

Frittata

There is a time in late August (for me it usually happens on or around the 20th) when I think that the delights of summer will never end, when leaves seem as though they will never turn and it is hard to remember ever wearing a sweater, much less your winter jacket. How glorious it is to bite into a warm ripe peach and see the juice trickling onto bronzed skin. (I once shared a peach in this way with a man I met in Italy - he said it was the most sensual thing he had ever done.....He was very young.)

Indeed, if the powers that be thought to design something as glorious as midsummer, (with all the ripe fruit if offers) and then have the unimaginable generosity of spirit so as to give it to us, asking nothing in return except that we enjoy it, why would they take it away and give us the poor consolation prize that is November?

Why indeed!

I suppose you could lament, rend your garments, and hoard peaches, but there is no use in that. It is the destiny of man to wait and rejoice and mourn. Each must be felt in equal measure to remind us that we are alive. And so as the seasons turn and we turn inward I would like to offer you a dainty dish that will warm your heart and mind and kindle sunlight within you, so that even on the most dank dark day you will feel as though August has never left you.

I will start with something called a Frittata, which to my mind sounds like something an English duke would say upon exiting a room, but in reality is a very satisfying open-faced omelet with vegetables that comes from Italy. Like most dishes from Italy, it is straightforward, but harnesses the individual gifts of each of its ingredients in a way that maintains their integrity. What is more, it is an economical dish to prepare and is delicious hot or cold. You can serve it for breakfast with toast and coffee, or for a light lunch with a green salad and a glass of wine. It also travels well, because it cooks up like a pie and can be cut in wedges and taken with you as you brave the world.

Before you begin, it is essential that you choose some music to listen to as you work, something that will inspire you, and is in harmony with the food. I would recommend some choral music from the 16th century. I listened to a Lutheran mass for Christmas morning by Michael Praetorious when I last made this dish. It was suitably reverential and peace-giving. This music was written for the sole purpose of praising the divine. A frittata is made to celebrate the glory of simple food. Simple faith, simple food... you get the idea.

Frittata with Fall Vegetables and cheese:

Ingredients (physical):

6 eggs (when you break them open, they look like the sun...a good start!)
1 tbsp water
pinch salt and freshly ground pepper
______

2 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, sliced
1 clove garlic, minced
1 red pepper, peeled, cored, seeded and cut into strips
1 small zucchini, cut into quarters and sliced
1 tomato, peeled, seeded and diced
1/2 tsp dried basil
pinch sugar
salt and pepper to taste

_______

1/2 cup feta cheese, crumbled
1/4 cup Parmesan cheese, grated finely
1 tbsp butter

A note on preparing vegetables:

How fussy it is to peel and seed tomatoes and peppers. But if you give these humble vegetabes but a few moments of your time your palate and digestion will appreciate it infinitely! Instead of bits of indigestible skin and kernel, you will have a luscious Mediterranean mouthful of vegetables bathed in olive oil that gives you nothing but pleasure.

To peel tomatoes:

Cut an "x" in the non-stem end of the tomato. Cover with boiling water and leave for 30 seconds. Drain and rinse with cold water. The skin will come off very easily.

To peel peppers:

Before cutting peppers, just peel with a vegetable peeler,as much as you can.


Method:

Preheat the broiler.

In a small bowl, whisk together eggs, water, salt and pepper. Set aside.
Heat an medium, nonstick frying pan over medium heat. When it is hot, add the olive oil. When the oil is heated, add the onions, and cook until they are softened. About 5 minutes. Then add the zucchini, peppers and garlic. Season with salt, pepper and basil. Cook until vegetables are softened. Add tomatoes and sugar, and cook until tomatoes have broken down and all the liquid is evaporated. Turn heat to medium-low, and pour in egg mixture. Stir so that eggs and vegetables are well combined. Cook slowly - the mixture will take some time to set. When you see tiny holes on the top of the frittata, it is almost done. The top won't be set. That is okay. This is when the magic happens.

Top the frittata with the cheeses, and place the pan under the broiler until the top is set and the cheese has begun to brown. If your pan has a plastic handle, do not fear. Just open the door to your oven and hold the pan close to the broiler, making sure to keep the plastic handle out of the oven. Return the pan to the stove, and gently coax the sides of the frittata from the pan with a spatula. Slip little bits of butter underneath the frittata... This will create a brown crust and help release the frittata from the pan if it is stuck.

The frittata is now done. The top and bottom are brown and crusty... the cheese is melted, and the egg and vegetable mixture is unctuous and well flavoured.

Cut into wedges and serve. This frittata will serve 4 people sensibly. But I only ate a quarter of it when I prepared it this morning, and I am hungry for more.
It is all a question of appetite!

When you see the frittata on your plate, all golden and red and toasty, with suggestions of green throughout, you may think of the turning leaves. You may contrast it with the grey of the clouds, and think about the changing seasons. You may just think "Yum! Eggs with tasty bits!"

That is okay, too.

May you eat with a happy heart!

Private lessons

"I always think about that invisible connection among us all , what we have in common, as opposed to what divides us"

-Meryl Streep


This week, I took a French course at Berlitz. It was a private course, payed for by the Government. Each day, I had the opportunity to discuss any subject that interested me. You may think it bizarre for me to say this, but I think I was able to express myself more clearly in French than in English because I had to think very carefully about which words to choose. What would have ordinarily been a convoluted discourse became almost zen-like in its simplicity and clarity because I had a limited vocabulary. I had no choice but to say what I meant. So, you could say that what I perceived as a weakness was in actuality a great strength.

French is a beautiful language. When you speak it, you cannot help but feel sophisticated and inspired, and therefore capable of improvising elevated treatises on the the most intimate and profound subjects. The secret is in how you use your lips. I remember that a professor of mine had to pick up a French colleague they did not know at the airport. When he asked his friend how he would recognize the said colleague he was told "just look at the mouth. It will be parted ever so slightly... and the lips will be jutted out. Like he wanted to kiss you, but hesitated." When you adopt this stance for yourself and then try to speak French on top of that, it has a magical effect-- you can say precisely what you think and not be embarrassed by it at all.... For the French are not ashamed by sentiment. To explain what I mean, I want you to imagine saying the following things in English without laughing:

- What is the the nature of man? We know that man is an animal with instinct, but also endowed with reason. Perhaps the existence of both creates conflict between the two, and is the fundamental root of all the problems that plague humanity.

- Why does art exist? Art exists to elevate humanity, but also to console. When one creates art, one can practice what one wants to achieve, but in the moment of performance, it is in the hands of the divine.

- What is the nature of our previous lives? My teacher, Sylvie, told me that in a previous life I was a French noblewoman, perhaps associated with the Basilica of St. Andre. At the very least, I am an old soul who is currently my last life. She said that she was in her last life too, and that she was content not to meet her soul-mate, as perhaps that was asking too much of the universe which constantly inspires her and gives her messages which she cannot understand.

- What role do symbols play in our lives? Consider the oriflamme - the sacred banner of the Kings of France, which rests eternally in the basilica of St. Denis in Paris. Its heraldic device is a flaming red arrow. Ah the arrow. So strong, so indicative of a path to take. But in the end, so deadly.

Comprenez-vous?

Such is the magic of French, that even a phrase like "I have to go to the bathroom" acquires a special musicality and sophistication. In French, if you need to answer the call of nature, you say "Je dois passer au petit coin - I have to pass by the little corner".... If you say this in the right way, like my French teacher Sylvie (who I swear is the long lost twin of Bridgitte Bardot) with the appropriate fluttering eye movements and insouciant smirk, you can make people believe that you are not going to the bathroom at all, but a cute little boite for an exquisite meal and a secret rendez-vous with your lover.

When you exist in this world of the jutting lips and deep thoughts, it is easier to think of yourself as superior to others. One of my teachers, Kasse (who comes from Congo, and therefore is intimately acquainted with the perceived and actual arrogance of the French) asked me if I thought the French were arrogant. I paused, and said that if I were French, I would be arrogant as well (Si j'étais français, je serais arrogant aussi). Of course, English can be poetic too, but only when you think like a French person. That is to say, you must be simultaneously amused, disgusted and inspired by the human condition.

Indeed, I believe that in order to learn a language well, you must first of all think like a native speaker of the tongue. If you want to speak German, you must resign yourself to being angst-ridden, precise, and brutally direct. If you want to learn Italian, you must summon all the passion in your being and make the expression of your ideas a matter of life or death. To this mix you must add sophistication and the knowledge that all roads, real and imagined, lead to Rome. Only then can you speak like an Italian. It also doesn't hurt to wear a really nice suit. When I tried to learn Russian, I pretended that I was a 75 year old Babushka from a collective farm. It worked wonders for my consonants. I know people who speak foreign languages perfectly, but they lack passion and an understanding of the mind of a native speaker. So, in reality, they speak IPA. I also know people who can only speak a few words of a foreign language, but they are masters of communication. How do they do it? With a wild imagination, a perfect ear and ideally, a bottle of wine to share. Failing that, a few choice swear words and a well developed repertoire of facial expressions do the trick very nicely.

It is very nice to occupy your time in the pursuit of learning a foreign language, but the world has a way of intruding on things, and it came to pass that one afternoon I was compelled to explain the history of the Middle East to Kasse. In French. And if this doesn't summon all the vast resources of a language, nothing will. He was baffled by the complexity of it all (who isn't), and replied that we are all, au profond, the same, and that there are more things that link us together than would divide us. What a cliche, you might say. But if you say it in French, it does not seem so embarrassing. And so I would like you to read this phrase, and repeat it often:

"Nous sommes, au profond, tous les frères

Every day of the course, I wore a different pocket square. In this way, I could look sophisticated and European without having to spend a fortune. I also like pocket squares very much. Kasse admired them too, and so I bought him one as a thank-you gift in my favourite colour - lime green (or vert-citron). He was very touched, and he put it in his non-descript Berlitz-issue grey dress shirt. Kasse and I look very different. He is 6 feet tall and black. I am definitely not 6 feet tall, and about as far away from black as you can get, but that day we learned a little bit about each-other, and we both wore lime green pocket squares.

Which is to say that we found one more thing in common.

"Nous sommes, au profond, tous les frères " .

Just your typical Saturday night.....

I seem to be going to a lot of very interesting parties lately, which is how it should be, this being summer in Vancouver. I just came back from a loft in the remotest part of gastown where a gay couple from Oregon was celebrating their one year anniversary in Canada. Apparently, they lived in the one county in Oregon that allowed Gay marriage, so they got married. A few months later, the supreme court of the state overturned the law, and they were sent a letter in the mail informing them they were now divorced. Understandably, they came to Canada. I wonder what is going to happen if gay marriage becomes illegal here....Well, there is always South Africa.

I have no idea what these men do for a living, but they make a ton of money....and they spend it like children, which is to say on anything that strikes their fancy. There were 4 wine fridges, and a special humidified cabinet filled with whole prosciutto.... there was a room completely devoted to their single malt scotch collection. They celebrated their anniversary in Canada by opening bottles of Cristal with fencing swords and then we read Edna St Vincent Millay in between tokes of a Moroccan Hash Pipe. And just when you thought it could not get any more surreal, I noticed a well thumbed copy of Das Kapital beside the humidor. It is true when they say that the only difference between a crazy person and someone who is merely eccentric is a great deal of money.

I drank single malt langavulin and smoked vanilla flavoured cigarettes and my friend Ellie and I performed an impromptu concert of Puccini arias...Ellie has met a 45 year old man who looks like he is 30 because he is content with his life, and is not a tortured soul (or so Ellie says). And so, most of Ellie's technical issues when it comes to singing have sorted themselves out, even though she lives in Terrace and doesn't study with a teacher right now. This is what happens when you are happy. And that is the crazy thing about having an instrument which is inside you.

I was worried about the smoke and drinking affecting my voice, but then I remembered that Caruso smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day, and then I relaxed and we had a great time. A man told me that I have a voice like port, which was a nice complement because I like port very much. Then this woman named Jen sang Van Halen songs, which was different, but still operatically intense and very good. Jen sings for fun...she is actually a software writer for a Norwegian internet company and just came back from skydiving in Utah. I like Jen because she smokes and drinks and laughs a lot, and clearly likes it. Now that you can't smoke anywhere and people are drinking low calorie beer or worse, we need more people like her. She also has the best books in her bathroom... Like a guide to walking tours in Vancouver from 1974 and a pocket size historical atlas of Europe. She also has a recording of Fidelio, and I think that has added a Beethoven-like profundity to her music making.

Anyway, I don't really know what I am talking about because it is 4 in the morning and I have many substances floating within me... but I am happy that I got to sing with my friend Ellie, just like last week I got to sing with my friend Rebecca. Ellie, Rebecca and I are sensitive people with big voices which is very special but sometimes hard. I told Ellie that some day we will all sing in a production of Die Walkure together. Rebecca will be Brunnhilde, Ellie will be Sieglinde and I will be Siegmund. We will sing lustily and we will laugh and be very aware of who we are and at the same time unaware of ourselves to the extent that we can let the music speak. And that is what you must do to sing.

Last week, my friend Rebecca got married, and I was supposed to write about that today.
However, I almost never write about what I think I am going to write about. And that is what you must do to write, I guess. Well, the wedding was supremely beautiful. There was Albanian honey cake and homemade quilts and the rain stopped when they said their vows.

As I was leaving to come back to Vancouver, Rebecca told me that the world was a safe and accepting place.

And despite all the contradictions, and taking into account the fact that one day a couple can get a letter in the mail saying that they are no longer married due to a clerical error, I believe it.

Transitive Properties

Mathematics 100: Geometry and Logic
Final Examination


Question: What happens when you draw lines through a pre-existing entity?

Answer: If you take an object (say, an unbroken circle) and bisect it at its widest point with a straight line, you will create a new object made up of congruent halves. For our purposes, we will call these compartments. The space once taken up by the object will also be lessened, due to the presence of the straight line. Note also that the extent of this diminishment will depend on the amount of space alloted to the straight line. If you bisect this straight line with another straight line, at a right angle, you will create a cross. This cross will diminish the size of the original compartments, and through careful analysis, you will be able to prove that the compartments can now only relate to one another in terms defined by the cross. Please also observe that while the resulting compartments have similar characteristics, they cannot join until the cross is overcome and the straight lines have been erased.

- End of Proof.

Before beginning the following question, please take time to review the following definitions:

Transitive Property of Equality:

"If a = b and b = c, then a = c.

The Transitive Property is one of the equivalence properties of equality. This is a property of equality and inequalities. One must be cautious, however, when attempting to develop arguments using the transitive property in other settings."

Lemma

"A helping theorem. A lemma is proven true, just like a theorem, but is not interesting or important enough to be a theorem. It is of interest only because it is a stepping stone towards the proof of a theorem."

Postulate:

"A statement accepted as true without proof. "

Axiom

"A statement accepted as true without proof. An axiom should be so simple and direct that it is unquestionably true. "



Question: Ben likes boys. What does that make Ben?

Answer

1) Ben likes boys. Therefore, Ben is gay (see lemma “if you are a boy and you like another boy or boys you are gay” ).

2) Gay is bad ( one can infer this from the answer to the preceding question, or by using the popular "gay is bad" postulate).

3) Therefore, Ben is bad. (Transitive Property).



Bonus question – if you get this one right, you will pass the whole course, regardless of the work you have done before…

Ben is bad. Now what?


We have proven that Ben is a bad object. However objects have many definable properties and we can observe that Ben is also good in school and can play the piano and sing. He can also cook and imitate his parents in a way that makes people laugh. If Ben works at these things hard enough for a long enough period of time, it is logical that people will overlook his inherent evil characteristics.

However, there is a new concept which is really a very old concept which supposes that all objects are good. While this concept cannot be proven, per se, we find that if adopted, it becomes self-evident. It is therefore an axiom, though it is viewed by some as experimental, controversial and vulnerable. We believe it to be correct.


Therefore,

Ben,

Who likes boys,

Is good.

He will still play the piano and sing and make fun of his parents, but he will not do it so that others will overlook any other aspect of his being. In this way, we can assume that Ben, in all probabilty, will be observed in a more comprehensive way, and can therefore exist in a more cohesive manner.


- End of proof.

Why you should always remember to spellcheck.....

Look what I found on a tourism website about Canada:

NATIONAL ANTHEM"Ho Canada" was proclaimed national anthem on July the 1st of 1980, a century after to be sung the first time.

Alles hat ein Ende... Nur die Wurst hat zwei.

Once a year my mother and I have our tarot cards read. Not only is it great fun (we can be as self absorbed and anxious as we want to be for over an hour) but a tarot-session is about a third the price as a visit to the therapist, and the restaurant where we go serves great tempura. I ask you, does it get better than divining and fried food? Not in this life. During our most recent visit, the medium decided to forego the tarot cards as he had decided, upon reflection, that they got in the way of the psychic energy that flowed between himself and the client. This was perfectly fine by me. After all, I come from a race that has always been keen on leaving out the middle man, both in religion and retail. Besides, who needs cards when you have imagination and a wireless connection with the divine?

So then the time came when we had to decide who was to have their reading first. Of course, we each insisted that the other begin, not because we were being polite, but because we wanted to get the other's reading over with. You see, it is quite a trial to be polite and listen attentively when someone else is talking, but not talking about you. It is best to get this over with as soon as possible. Of course, my mother (being of an artistic disposition as I am) is of the same opinion. And so she smiled and looked at me with her " remember that I am your mother and I gave birth to you and I was in labour for 70 hours, indeed, it was the longest labour of 1979 at the Women's Pavilion" look. And so, my reading began.

The medium said that I was about to begin a new phase of my life, and that I must prepare myself for by "improving my attire" and "dressing the part". I took this to mean that I needed hand-tailored suits, or at the very least some off-the-rack Canali. My mother thought
that this was just a metaphor and had more to do with self-confidence. I tried to tell her that
you cannot help but feel your best when you are wearing deluxe Italian upper 200 count wool.
She adjusted the collar on her burlap cape and we moved on.

Apparently, in this time of transition, I will also be saying goodbye to many friends. This is true. As I write to you , Soula is preparing for a concert of Mozart arias at the Berlin Philharmonie,
Wade is on a plane to Quebec City where he will sleep on his friend's couch and learn French in an immersion program of his own design, and in a few weeks Randy will depart for Shanghai to set up an office for her boyfriend's engineering firm.

And then there is Arvedt, who has been recalled to Berlin to work in the protocol office, arranging travel for Chancellor Merkel.

The other night, we were sitting by the ocean, and I was eating Malaga ice cream, which is my favourite. Malaga is like rum-raisin, but the raisins are soaked in rum which for an obscenely long period of time, and then folded into a custard with an obscenely large number of egg yolks. Really, it should be banned. Eating it makes me feel like naughty and rich, like Catherine de Medici, who fit both descriptions very well. Along with the dinner fork and the corset, she is credited for having introduced three important things to France that define it to this day: gastronomy, high heels, and riots. She also introduced ice cream. I can see her now, in her bodice and stiletto heels -- Nero-like -- giving orders to carry out the St. Bartholemew's Day Massacre of Protestants while nibbling on a delicate strawberry ice.

And I am troubled, because while the Huguenot sympathizer in me hates her, the foodie in me cannot help but worship. Had it not been for vain Catherine, the French would still be eating things like goat udder stewed in hyppocras. Worse, they'd still be eating like the English.

Now, where was I? Oh yes, Arvedt. Arvedt was not eating Malaga ice cream. He was telling me about his camping trip to Saltspring Island, which is famous for being infested with mice. Arvedt hates mice, and so he told me how spent the evening lying down in his puptent wearing his bike light as a bandana and throwing morsels of cheese and trailmix to the rodents... not so that they would go away, but so that they would stop for a moment and eat. At which time Arvedt would hit them:

"Oh gott. Means like, the mices were everyvhere, and I kept hitting them with cheese and trailmixes... I said to myself, Gott, if I die now, it would be okay."

I stared laughing uncontrollably, but he looked at me with a straight face and said

"Why are you laughing? You have never had an experience such as this?"

We started to talk about the coming months, and I asked Arvedt how he felt about leaving Canada. He smiled and said

"Well, you know, in German, we have this silly expression: Alles hat ein Ende. Nur die wurst hat zwei"

Which means: Everything has an end. Only a sausage has two.

I wonder what Catherine de Medici would think about that!

People with Penthouses

When it came to dating, the only advice my mother (a card carrying member of the NDP) ever gave me was to "marry up". Indeed, there was a time when the only real way to improve one's social standing was to do so.... of course, you had to be talented, beautiful and determined as hell.

Like my friend Lindsay, who met the love of her life during a production of The Mikado. She was Yum-Yum (in more ways than one, apparently) and her Nanki-Poo, Larry, was smitten. They kissed and he swept her away in his arms. One morning, she awoke from a delicious slumber in 500 threadcount sheets to find that not only was Larry a tenor, but also an internationally successful businessman with a penthouse in False Creek. And they lived happily ever after.

If you are haven't yet met your Nanki-Poo, then my advice would be to get to know people with penthouses and to go to their parties. This way, you can go to the very top and you don't need a man to get you there, unless of course he is pushing the buttons in the elevator. In any event, once you have arrived, there really is no need for social climbing at all, because you can already look down on everyone.

Except for the people with penthouses higher than yours, and trust me, there is always someone.

My friend Lindsay has great style, and throws great parties. We were going to have oysters, but there was a red tide, and rather than be poisoned, we made do with butter drenched scampi -- nibbled from a lofty perch above high above the water. It was a hardship, but we managed. The conversation turned to travel, and Lindsay mentioned that she was going to London the next day. I asked her how she was going to find the time to pack. She replied that all she needed to remember was her music and her underwear. She had an American Express card, after all, and could just buy the rest when she got there. How wise, I said, as I took a bite from a perfectly grilled ribeye steak. I looked down, and saw the people running about. They looked like ants. I thought about throwing my shrimp shells over the ledge for fun, but decided against it. How wise.

As I was mixing myself a gin and tonic, I noticed that the the gin was from Scotland and was infused with cucumber and rose petals. I asked Lindsay where she procured such a delightful beverage, and she said that she didn't know, but that it came from the "good closet". I told her I did too. Ha ha.

But then I thought, I do come from a good closet. That is where I am writing you from right now. It may be small, but it is a space of my own making, and I live on the first floor, so my feet are firmly on the ground. As they should be. And when people walk by, I can look them in the eye. Which is also how it should be.

But I cannot deny that sometimes, I wish I had a penthouse too.

Fondling the Zeitgeist

Here is a conversation that I had with my co-worker Jonathan during a break at the Vancouver Passport Office:

"Hey Jonathan, how was your weekend"
"Oh, fine... I helped my friend Orion recover from her augmentation"
"Augmented? Is that the new way to say 'you're fired'?"
"No... she had a boob job. She's fine, but it's going to cramp her style when she does pole dancing.
"You mean she's a stripper?"
"No.. She does it for exercise.... she takes classes at that new pole dancing aerobics studio on Davie St. It's great for your abs... Orion used to be able to do sit ups on the pole... but now, with the added weight....."
"Of course...Well you know burlesque is making a huge comeback... I was listening to this piece on Out Front CBC radio about a woman who started doing the burlesque circuit to get in touch with her sexuality. It was basically about her challenge of "coming out" as a burlesque dancer to her 5 year old daughter."
"Yeah.... if I hadn't had to take care of Orion, I would have gone to this burlesque comic book convention."
"You mean...comic books about burlesque artists?"
"No... it was basically women dressing up as comic book characters and stripping to funky beats.. "
"Oh yeah....Well I hope your friend feels better soon."
"Me too.. she asked me and my girlfriend Brandy to take her bra shopping. We're going to Park Royal Mall because I don't have to pay taxes there, and they have a kickass La Senza." *


* In addition to being a connoisseur of burlesque, Jonathan is also a hereditary chief from Bella Coola, and Park Royal Mall is on land which belongs to the Musqeam Band...

The measure of my powers

This morning it was cloudy (in Vancouver? How IS that possible?) . This is why I decided to will the sun to come out by staring out the window and playing the Hymn to the Sun from the opera Iris by Mascagni on repeat as I drank my coffee..... Here are the words:

"Son Io ! Son Io la Vita !Son la Belta infinita,La Luce ed il Calor.Amate, o Cose ! dico :Sono il Dio novo e antico,Son l'Amor!"

"I am the sun! It is I, life! I am infinite beauty, light and warmth! O loved one, speak! I am the ancient and new god. I am love!"

It worked. I mean, if you were the sun, how could you not respond to such unabashed flattery? Maybe if King Canute had played Debussy's La Mer when he was ordering the waves to retreat in 1016 things would have turned out differently. As it stands, his failing to control the sea marked the beginning of the end of absolute monarchy in England (unfortunately it is still dying). In fact, just before he died, Canute ordered his crown to be placed on his tomb to indicate that there is only one king in heaven, and that we mortals should know the limits of our powers. I, however, have alwas been keen on testing the boundariess of my powers, as has my friend Pablo who whenever faced with a problem asks his Tarot cards what to do. Like the other day when we made Paella and he was wondering if he should break his self imposed "no yeast diet" and eat some chocolate cake. The first tarot card was "the schizophrenic" which meant that he was caught between two extremes. The second card was the 10 of cups which to him meant that the solution was to act with intensity... So we had 2 pieces of cake each. Of course, Pablo said that you really shouldn't read your own tarot cards because it is hard to make decisions objectively. I told him that one can never be objective when it comes to chocolate, which he should know because he is from Mexico. Where chocolate comes from.

Perhaps this is why Mexicans seem so happy. They are the hobbits of the western hemisphere. When I was in high school I used to go over to my friend Vanessa's (she was half Mexican and Half Mennonite..oy vey... she referred to herself as an "M&M") ... Her mother would invite me over, put on music and we would eat and dance for two or three days. She would also try to set me up with Vanessa, but that's another story. What is even better about hanging out with Mexicans is that most of them are short like me, so I don't have to strain my neck while having a conversationn. Yesterday I went to ahouse-warming at Hugo's place, a friend of Pablo's. Of course, there are 4 people sharing a 1 bedroom apartment and they have no furniture, but this means that they have more room to dance and more money to spend on the important things like chipotle crusted shrimp and smoked salmon in endive leaves. Hugo also wears Armani and has 5 kinds of cologne. I guess it is all about priorities. Everyone was speaking Spanish, which I didn't understand, but I spoke back in Italian when I could and when I didn't we all resorted to the international language of "glance and gesture".... before this I went to my friend Wade's 50th birthday, which was nice, but his friends are mostly Wasps, and therefore mostly tall, and mostly angst ridden. But we had scintillating conversations about the Tony awards and Robert LePage. I am somewhere in the middle because I am Jewish: We are for the most part short (although this is changing because we don't live in Shtetls anymore and have access to protein on a regular basis) and love to eat, but are mostly angst ridden. Although this is changing too (because we don't live in shtetls anymore and have access to protein and all that that entails, on a regular basis) . And as for theTonys... well, is there anything more Jewish than that? We pretty much invented musical theatre, which is a good thing or a bad thing depending on your proclivities. I am an opera singer, so I am again somewhere in the middle: I love outward displays of emotion, but they have to be tasteful and preferably in foreign languages. Which means, gentle reader, that I can enjoy the sentiment without the burden of comprehension.

Becuase once you begin to try to comprehend something, you can get lost and may never find your way. I think Oscar Wilde said that he who tries to scratch below the surface does so at his own peril. But it is important to try and understand, peril or no.....

although sometimes I think it is easier to impose your will on the sun.

Furbala

Whenever I was being petulant as a youngster (or last week) , my mother would say that I was acting like a diva. In fact, she used to call me by that name. I used to be offended, but then I remembered that to be a diva really means to be touched by God, and that made me feel better. The fact that my mother used the feminine pronoun of the word was unsettling (in reality, I would be classified as a divo, as in Il Divo, as in that photoshop-and-soundbyte "band" which is to music what poptarts are to breakfast... something sickly-sweet, white, square and indigestible).. , but I credited this lapse to an unfamiliarity to the structure of Romance languages. I was ready to forgive, take stock, and move on ...

And then I remembered that my mother wears lime green sunglasses indoors and has called herself Queen of the Universe on occasion, and my mind wandered to subjects of kettles, pots and "naming". So, I realized that in the end we are all touched by God, and larger than life, and in how many ways is THAT a cliche?! In any event, this realization means that whenever anyone tells you to get a life, you can inform them that you grew out of yours long ago and set it by the side ot the road like a snake sheds its skin. Of course, whether the aim of this process is to reveal one's true self, relieve boredom, is another question entirely. In the end, it doesn't matter, as long as you can make money while doing it.

Which brings me to Madonna, who has now assimilated another esoteric mystical tradition into her persona, and appropriated a whole new testament in the process. She is now known as Esther, the heroine of the Purim story (which is a very interesting story, but complicated... Basically you should know that most Jewish holidays can be summed up in the following words: "They tried to kill us...... Let's eat!").

Of course, if you deprive Esther of her "h" you are left with an Ester: " a volatile organic compound which is most often used to create artificial flavours and scents... ". To me, this seems a far more apt description.

Sometimes I begin to think about how celebrities have embraced "spirituality" in the last few years. First, Steven Segal claimed that he was the incarnation of a Tibetan lama, then there was Madonna and Kabbalah. I wouldn't be surprised if next week I read that Lindsay Lohan has discovered Kirkegaard...

The other day, I was shopping with my friend Soula. I came across a charm bracelet held together with a red string. It was made by Furla, the chic Italian design firm, and in her best imitation of a valley girl, Soula said "like, ohmigod... it TOTALLY looks like a kabbalah bracelet." And I was, like "Ohmigod... it's like, totally FURBALA"...

We both started to laugh hysterically, and then I thought... Furbala: 'the result of the combination of an ancient mystical tradition and commercialism.... something that is uncomfortable, that catches in the throat, and ultimately must be expelled at all costs."

Like, ohmigod.

Turning around the corner

Yesterday I had the good fortune to attend a dinner in honour of Arthur Erickson to celebrate his work and his life... my friend Michael is writing an article about him for Vancouver Magazine, and he asked me to attend the event... So, I put on my best silk pocket square and off I went. I can honestly tell you now that I had no idea who Arthur Erickson really was, other than the fact that he was an architect.... Sometimes I feel like in my pursuit of music, I can become a bit myopic. Needless to say, I am always glad for wakeup calls.. in whatever form they may come in.. First we went to a talk he gave at the Vancouver Art Gallery... here are my impressions...they are kind of rambling and unfinished... like the long threads of overworked dough... messy....

There was a genius in the room. There was a man who thinks before he speaks, and more importantly, has much to say. (But does a genius need to think before he speaks?) Arthur Erickson is an architect who minimizes the importance of buildings so that natural landscapes can speak. This to me seems like an act of great humility. He envisions architecture as the expression of human aspirations that must be made still, but yet always look as though they would spring to life.... Like a sprinter at the gate.

I think that Gertrude Stein said that when she met a genius, bells went off in her head. I have a feeling, knowing what I know of Gertrude Stein, that she must have heard bells when she met herself. Well, I am not so fortunate as Ms. Stein (may she pontificate in the salons of heaven forever), but I definitely felt something.... As I did yesterday I watched a video of Rostropovich's triumphant return to Moscow, after his citizenship was stripped from him, after he suffered so much for defending Solzenytsyn and Sakharov. He lived for music, and for freedom of expression. So did Beethoven... Today I listened to the Leonore Overture number 3 (overture to Fidelio)...Beethoven triumphing over his demons and calling us all to fight for our own voice, and in doing so, for our freedom, and for the freedom of others. And Arthur Erickson, like Beethoven, and Rostropovich, and Gertrude Stein, were against the status quo. Beethoven and Arthur Erickson said as much: Ericksoapproacheses his medium as an artist rather than a craftsman, and in doing so creates a unique vision for each building he designs. Similarly, Beethoven did not call himself a composer in the traditional sense, rather he called himself a Tondichter (literally a "sound poet") rather than a Tonkunstler (sound artist), which was the usual word for a musician. In doing so he revealed himself to be a musician of the Romantic age -- a poet concerned with feelings, expression and abstract ideals.

Today I listened to David Suzuki say that we must realize that when we hurt the environment, we are hurting ourselves. All of these things are of a piece. For there is architecture in music, and music is movement, and music and movement in words.. and great buildings punctuate space like music does. But it is not about the music, or the building...it is the in between, and the before, and how the music and the building forever change what comes after. It is the moment before the overture starts, the moment before you turn around the corner and see the Louvre, or the El Asqa Mosque, or Angkor Wat... the feeling that you are going to come across something that will alter you profoundly. But how selfish a thought this is, for none of it matters in the slightest if we stay the path and destroy the world, and thus ourselves.

And I am grateful that I live in a time and a place where there is freedom. And I pray that I will not remember this time as the moment before the curtain fell, before the world became dark. Oh, how I hope. I hope that the world will continue to have room for people who dare to be unfashionable... who venture to craft time and space out of the depths of the earth and the depths of their being into something organic and timeless. And then I remember the words of Florestan,the imprisoned political prisoner in Fidelio who said

"Wahrheit vagt' ich kühn zu sagen, und die Ketten sind mein Lohn -- Boldy I dared to speak the truth, and chains are my reward."

People were not ready for Beethoven's music. They were not ready for Gertrude Stein, just as they were not ready for many of Erickson's buildings, like the Canadian Embassy in Washington.

But we are always turning around the corner....

How Dark the Con of Can

Yes, its true.... the real conspiracy of our time has to do with CRTC regulations regarding Canadian Content regulations in print and audio media.... And you thought it had something to do with Jesus. Pu-leeze.

Actually, I did go to the Da Vinci Code, and half way through, the projector broke. I think it was a conspiracy by the church so that we wouldn't see the movie. It sounds far-fetched, but when I was leaving the theatre, I noticed that the movie poster had mysteriously fallen to the ground....

Note to Catholic Church: at Book Stores everywhere, the Da Vinci Code is displayed in the FICTION section.

You say der wassermelonensalat, I say.....

"A dog is "der Hund"; a woman is "die Frau"; a horse is "das Pferd"; now you put that dog in the genitive case, and is he the same dog he was before? No, sir; he is "des Hundes"; put him in the dative case and what is he? Why, he is "dem Hund." Now you snatch him into the accusative case and how is it with him? Why, he is "den Hunden." But suppose he happens to be twins and you have to pluralize him- what then? Why, they'll swat that twin dog around through the 4 cases until he'll think he's an entire international dog-show all in is own person. I don't like dogs, but I wouldn't treat a dog like that--I wouldn't even treat a borrowed dog that way. Well, it's just the same with a cat. They start her in at the nominative singular in good health and fair to look upon, and they sweat her through all the 4 cases and the 16 the's and when she limps out through the accusative plural you wouldn't recognize her for the same being. Yes, sir, once the German language gets hold of a cat, it's goodbye cat. That's about the amount of it. "

- Mark Twain's Notebook

The other day I decided to go out for breakfast with Arvedt. He was going to New York for a week, mostly to go to the Met and see Parsifal. You can do these things when you are an employee of the German state and have an obscene amount of holidays. Arvedt has about 3 months left of his posting in Vancouver... and approximately 4 months of leave to use up.
Anyway, we were enjoying a fruit salad, when Arvedt squinted his eyes, pointed to a piece of watermelon, and said (in his best Prussian school teacher voice) "What would you call this in German?" He does this periodically, to see if I am mastering the language of the master race. I loathe these sessions, because as Mark Twain has explained so elloquently, German is needlessly complex. It seems as though they have projected their notorious sexual fetishes upon every single word by giving them a gender.... Let me explain: like most languages, objects can be "masculine" or "feminine". But German ups the ante by adding a third case... words can also be "neuter". The word for child ,"das kind" , is a neuter word, and I thank the heavens for it. God knows the last thing the Germans need to do is sexualize children...

I often wonder, if words, like people, can have gender issues! Is there such a thing as a gender reassignment for words which do not feel comfortable in their curent gender? Do they pass through the neutered state while undergoing reclassification?

Anyway, here is my German lesson with Arvedt:

"What is this in German"
"Das Wassermelon" (how can a watermelon have a gender?)
"No, it is "die wassermelone" (apparently, a watermelon is female...)
"What if you made a salad out of watermelon?"
"Well, that would be die wassermelonesalat" (duh)
"No... it is der wassermeloneNsalat..... because salad is masculine, and in a compound word, you must use the gender of the second word. Also, you must pluralize wassermelone, because it is a salad made out of pieces of watermelon"

Okay, we're not playing this game again. Because I really don't care about the genders of melons.

I have a basket of berets that I do not wear

There is a woman in a black beret... She sits, writing with a fountain pen in a dark corner of a dark cafe, on the first day of spring. She wears black eyeliner. She drinks coffee in silence and peers out into the world, blinded by the light. I love her. It takes courage to wear black, much less a black beret, and pour out your thoughts on a sunny day in Vancouver. It is a sign of an inner life. I walk by in my new designer gym outfit. I want to mouth "I am so sorry" because I have a basket full of berets that I do not wear... I want her to know that we are kindred spirits.

There is a woman in a straw hat, waiting for the bus. She sits, smoothing her skirt. She is wearing white gloves and holding a hymn book. She is also blinded by the light, or so she thinks. I walk by with my latte, wearing shorts.. She purses her lips in disapproval. I want to say to her "I'm sorry". I like hymns too... I wear white gloves sometimes too. I have a whole basket of gloves I do not wear.. I want her to know that I am a nice person.

There is a man in a doorway in Paris. He is smoking a cigarette and looking at me with a frown. I smile and he closes the door. I am holding the Jewish newspaper. I bought it in a silent shop full of silent people in an old street. I read on the first page that a man was kidnapped and beaten to death. I am afraid. I hide the newspaper in my bag. I start to mouth the words "I'm sorry" but the words catch in my throat.

I have a basket of berets that I do not wear.

Exercise is not a substitute for a social life.

Today I came home from my singing lesson fully intending to go to yoga class, when I got a call from my friend Wade inviting me over for dinner. My gym bag was packed.... I was going to realign my chakras and sweat out the impurities accumulated over the generations. Then I thought that exercise is in no way a substitute for a social life....So I bought a charming bottle of Montepulciano and hopped on the bus. I mean, who wants to suffer through hours of trytopushmyarmthroughmyassna when one can sit in a deck chair with a perfectly mixed gin and tonic and homemade salsa? True, both activities stimulate a feeling of restfulness and psychic wellbeing, except that the latter doesn't cause one to sweat. When it comes to sport, I think that Winston Churchill said it best: "Sometimes I feel the urge to exercise, but then I lie down and the sensation passes."

The other day I was talking to my friend Randy... Randy is a voluptuous and extremely intelligent woman in her mid twenties with a cute boyfriend named Aristotle who buys tailored suits on trips to Shanghai. She decided that it would be wise to start work at 9 rather than 7 so that she could go jogging before work. When she told me this, I looked at her in absolute horror. She said she wanted to go jogging in the morning to give her energy throughout the day. I told her that working at the Passport Office was close enough to hell on earth as it was, and why did she need to add to her misery? Besides, jogging does not give you energy. Sleep does. And if she wanted to burn calories first thing, there was Aristotle. If I had two extra hours in the morning, I would give myself a refreshing cucumber astringent while listening to Debussy, or I would take myself out for breakfast. After, all, I find that there is nothing more luxurious or satisfying than wasting time in the morning. I try to fit in at least 3 sessions each week. Just think of it as pilates for the soul.


If after this regimen, you do feel the need to take exercise, I would suggest pretend you are a pioneer woman and make a dinner from scratch. Or, run to the corner store as if being pursued by the Mongol hordes. I find that nothing makes me run faster than fear. At the very least, be creative!

That being said, I will probably go to yoga tomorrow. As my instructor said, (after telling us that we must give of ourselves selflessly to achieve enlightenment) "who are we kidding? You're all here because you want a sixpack."